Naivete

Ya know what? I honestly can't remember the last time I thought about what I truly want, and today it decided to start eating away at me. So much has happened within the last year that I've lost sight of the things that meant the most to me, and I can't believe I've let myself get this deep. I've put faith in so many people, relationships, my job, and almost all of that is up in the air. Don't get me wrong my job is fun, but I just don't think it suits me anymore. I like the people that I work with, for the most part, but I think it's just time that I move on. Let that be another chapter ended on my journey. The few things I can always take with me is my friendship with the most awesome Melissa, and quite a bit of experience, considering it introduced me to the real world. School used to be such an important part of my life growing up. I was satisfied with nothing less than success in everything that I did. That surely has gotten away from me. Now more than ever that should be my first priority. Before relationships, work, and all.
Faith that I have bestowed in people in the last year could take up another blog. The hardest thing to do is let go of someone that you love. But I think a time comes when you realize that until you do, nothing can get better. About a year ago I did this exact thing, and it really did help me to find a few things in myself. But now I've reached another point that it's time to let a few more go. It hurts a lot, and the pain will worsen, but maybe there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. No one stays forever. Honesty from anyone is hard to come by. I've been so naive to the words I've been hearing. I put trust in all the wrong people and situations. I've planned my life around a few individuals....and yet they've each vanished with time. Will I ever learn? Sure doesn't seem like it. And now that I feel that I'm doing the right thing..I feel more alone than ever. One of the guys I work with the other day told me that anyone who would pass up the chance to be with me when I've given my whole heart, is comepletely retarded. Haha, he makes me laugh. I appreciate him and respect him a lot. I guess it could be true. He sees a lot in me that I don't most of the time. Sometimes you need someone like that around to remind you what you've got deep down. If nothing lasts forever, then what makes love the exception?? That holds so much truth at this point in my life. I can only wait so long to find it. Can you blame me for being impatient? It's been long enough. I need to find someone who truly appreciates me, everything I have to offer. Someone that I can hold a conversation on more than two topics with daily. Someone who would jump at the chance and be faithful in a heartbeat. Haha, I look in all the wrong people.
I guess my time will come, but when is the question. Maybe I should just focus on me. Live up to no one's expectations but my own. I'm not here to wait around for others, I'm not here to fill any voids. Concentrate on what means the most to me, and nothing else. All else will fall into place with time.

I'm just curious...

Has anyone ever wondered why we put in trust in the people that we do? We always seem to think that these people will be around forever, and that they will be the ones to confide in. People come and go like gas station patrons. (Yes, that sounds like GCH now that I wrote it.) But it's true. There are very, very few people that will be around long enough to disprove this statement. Sometimes it's not that big of a deal. But then there are days that you realize these people have inadvertently become the center of your life, and it all comes down like an avalanche. Some people truly are trustworthy. But you also wonder how many other people have heard the same words dripping from their lips. It's something you'll probably never know the answer to. Once confronted, the same people like to think they have no reason to explain why they do and say the things that they do, and it only propels my belief that it was all...nothing. Nothing of substance, nothing worth the time, and it never will be anything. I like to think that everything is a learning experience, but you can only be burned by this situation so many times before you begin to think that it will always be this way. And I wonder why I have trust in no one?
"Well I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you."

Pulling out my hair...

So I think I'm gonna end up looking and feeling fifty by the time I'm 30. I stress over ev-er-y-thing. Maybe I get in a little too deep, or maybe just the things I'm doing really are putting me over the edge. 18 credit hours of class, shit tons of work hours, it just doesn't add to the greatest college experience or the most worry-free life. I think I need to take it a little bit slower before the God-awful holiday retail season starts. For now, I think I need to listen to my life saving music, and take a drive by myself. Contemplate a few things. (Guess it's good that gas is so low right now!) Hasta luego.

First!

Hooray! I finally got around to starting a blog. Considering I've always been a writer..and am paying an assload to be a writer, I should have done this long ago. After that little interjection I better get back to..well...what my tuition is going towards.